BEING SPIRITUAL and SINGLE

(non-monastic)

ver.: 19 March 2008

BUT I'M SINGLE!

One would think it would be easier for an unmarried person to shape a devotional way of life. They don't have to negotiate or compromise with some one else. They can just go and do it. And they can give it a much more personal shape, to fit more snugly with their personality and needs. One would think....

But it generally doesn't work out that way. The truth is, few single people have the discipline to make it happen. Noone's watching, so we slack off, lounge around, or maybe develop a long to-do list as a way of 'getting a life'. Worship is gummed up, too : most congregations are geared much more toward families and married folks, and besides, it's not easy to focus on God when we can't get our minds off of the gorgeous brunette in the third pew. Much of Christian devotion is meant to be a shared experience, not solitary. Then, there are the private angers of living alone, especially for those who don't want to be living alone. Anger at ex-spouses, ex-lovers, parents, employers, pastors, maybe even anger at God. Sometimes there seems to be no room left in our lives for God, and even if there were, we'd probably squirm just thinking that God's paying attention. Now, if you could stop squirming long enough to remember that God's with you, not against you.

So, how can you be spiritual and single ?

(1) Be disciplined about it. If you're not disciplined, at this time more than any other in your life, any talk of spirituality in your life will quickly become a lie.

For instance, set a certain time of the day aside for prayer, clear your schedule for it, set aside a specific place to do it at, set up reminder notes all over your home and office, and have your computer do an automated reminder that gets more serious as the time approaches.

If you're going on retreat or taking some quiet time, leave the beeper, the phone and the laptop behind. Forget the 'emergencies', unless you're someone in an emergency care profession; that's just a way to give yourself an excuse to check up on your work when the urge hits. Oh, and don't even think of saying "I'll use some of this time to check out Spirithome.com". (The lamest excuse of all. Bring printouts.)

If you're doing a regimen of private Bible readings, put the schedule on a sheet on the wall and check it off each time you do it.

You have to do most of your own disciplining, but it's okay to ask friends in the faith to keep tabs on how you're doing. Just don't chew them out if they take you up on it. That's a quick way to lose friends, and besides, the changes have to be made not by them but by you.

(2) Join a small group, home Bible study group, or fellowship circle. It gives you a chance at developing close relationships with a small number of other people. It gives you a place to share your burdens and pray with people who know you and care about you. And it's less likely to turn into a mate-hunt. Prayer and worship get much more intense in small groups, and you may want to come back for more. That's the surest discipline of all.

(3) Do this every few months, for your own sake : do a checkup on yourself to see if you're isolating yourself. Have you stopped doing fun things with other people? Are you neglecting friends? Have you dropped out of church and charitable activities? Are you thinking only about yourself and your own life, and not other specific people? Are you constantly explaining everything in terms of you and what you've gone through?

Don't do this in your mind. Stop for a moment and list out your answers on an old-tech non-virtual paper-surfaced notepad using a crude antiquated hand-operated recording implement such as a pencil. It'll give you time to think about each thing you list. Then act on what you find. If you're still cutting back on people next time you check on it, please get help. Fast. You may be (hey, you probably are) slipping into depression, and that's a battle you won't win by yourself.

(4) If you're really serious about this, find yourself a spiritual director. Again, half the battle is to not do it all alone.

What all this does is build a spiritual framework for the other aspects of your life. Within a spiritual framework, all of life becomes tied together into a whole, so even matters that aren't directly spiritual become spiritual. That includes work, school, nighttime activities, dating, breaking up, and courtship.
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USE YOUR CONTROL OVER YOUR TIME

One of the great things about being single is that you have more control over your time because you don't have so many others depending on you for so much. This means that, if you really mean this stuff about being spiritual, you'll take the time to observe what's going on around you, and even to join in. Almost any lunkhead can sense God's greatness at Yosemite at sunrise. The real spiritual gain comes when you can find the traces of God's grace on a subway, down a back alley, by the office water cooler, at the city waste facility, in an urban pocket park, in an old barn, in your e-mail box, at the local night club, at the laundromat, in your tech classes, or at your children's soccer field. To get to that point, you have to take the time to watch and pray, asking the Spirit to lead as you observe. The graces are there.

One of the sad things if you're not paired is that at some point you will probably want to share this stuff with someone. You'll probably want to go, "shhh...look, over there.... see what they're doing" or "look at this bud ... wow." You'll have these gems of life you'll want to share with a special person, but noone's there. The sharing is also a part of its spirit-ness; it was made to be cherished and given away. Don't you dare let that stop you from taking it in, for the Spirit is sharing it with you, and at least that's a good start. Still, there is a heartache attached to the blessing. And that, too, is the Spirit's doing; it is ultimately a longing for an intimacy that nothing in this life will quite match, a togetherness with God face to face.

LESS SINGLE THAN YOU WERE

There is an awkward phase for singles who are living spiritually. It's that time when you're no longer as 'single' as you once were. There's a certain someone who's becoming much more important to you. As you two grow together, that someone will have to start becoming a part of your spiritual way of living. But how?

• Does your partner want to be? Does he/she care about spiritual matters? (If you do and he/she doesn't, there's trouble ahead.)
• If your partner is spiritually active, is she/he letting you in on her/his spiritual life? Are you picking up the cues?
• If not, what ways will your partner warm up to?
• A female, especially, may see deliberate spiritual sharing as a step toward a deeper commitment to her. Guys : think before you act -- are you ready to make that deeper level of commitment? (No faking!)
• If you're inviting your partner in, are you doing so in a way that takes the eyes off of God? (The idea is that you both look to God together, and God will grow the love in you. If you're doing this to make your partner be more secure about you so you can make your advances, well ... you're a creep.)
• Often the first spiritual action together is linked to something that happens to a common friend, or some tragedy the two of you witness or know about, or a loss that hurts one of you very much. At such times, couples often just pray together without much thinking about it. That's a start.

The more you are together, the more you will see of each other's spiritual side (or lack thereof). It takes time to see why you do what you do. As this happens, your partner will soon spot where you lie to yourself and where you're hiding from what's real. Intimacy goes far beyond just matters of sex, and this is most true in matters of the spirit.

Don't let the ardor of wanting to be together make you forget that you will always need some sort of private spiritual space for yourself with God, without the partner. Otherwise, your relationship with God will falter whenever your relationship with your partner falters. And that's when you will need it the most.
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